the truth shall set you....

It's been a strange month... I just celebrated an anniversary of sorts and I decided that this writing thing was how I was going to handle it. It's not something I'm really good at talking about. It's like the unwritten rule, don't tell people you're less than happy and maybe it'll go away. Maybe if you smile a lot, maybe it will ingratiate itself and you'll find yourself happy after you stretched your lips into a smile. Perhaps your soul will follow suit?

It's hard. Everywhere I go I see a reminder that the economy is bad. The government has taken out ads that say something along the lines of "you may not believe it, but somewhere out there is a job for you." Every day there's a new headline about out of work people who are in dire straights.

Yet, that's not exactly me. So, in the end, it's hard to say how I should be feeling.

In the interest of full disclosure to the world that can access this blog (and I'm aware this is everyone on the planet who has a computer) let's give a disclaimer and say I'm going to post some things here that people don't really like to talk about. Its sort of like breaking the rule of a sad/upset/whiny facebook status update. Most people don't bother doing it... it doesn't really do much for you... or perhaps it does?

So here are the facts. I lost my job at the end of November. The company was in the music industry and eventually went under... yes, bankruptcy. The timing was terrible and regardless of whether I saw it coming or not, there was no way to prepare yourself for this situation right before Christmas. Effectively what happened was that I didn't get paid past the day that I was told I was no longer on payroll. Yes, I know, this is illegal, and the company does still owe money, but the matter is in the courts and well, I can't count on my missing three weeks pay anytime soon - a sad fact that does not pay bills.

Following this, I discovered I had a lot of unwarranted anger at certain former colleagues. I also was hurt. And felt a little used. And I was sick of seeing people with their pity eyes asking how I was doing. I mean, sure, I was happy they were asking, but I didn't know what to answer to them. It was a surface answer, and the reality was that I felt I deserved a decent position in the entertainment industry and why should I be the one who had to freaking fight for it? WHY?

So yes, there was the anger.

Then there was the discovery that I was exhausted by all of it. All the inquiries about me took away from me actually being able to line myself up for a new gig. And then there was the stress of Christmas and birthday pressies for the fam in December. And then my best friend announced she was getting married in a couple months and would I fly out to the wedding? And EI delayed payment due to money I'd made on a contract (a mere $1000) for FIVE WEEKS.

I read a Leah Mclaren Globe article about unemployed bankers who were reaping the rewards of unemployment: they'd discovered they had personalities and goals beyond long work days and were getting a LOT of SEX.

And me? Nope. No sex for me. Although part of me was aware that I was now available for passionate impromptu afternoon sex, I had no callers of concern.

Here I was, in the great Canadian winter, a hermit in her house, with only job alerts to keep her company.

I worked on my flexibility - trying to conquer my yoga skills by forcing my body and brain to walk to the nearby local yoga studio and stretch my fast-diminishing drive.

The day I'd lost my job, I'd run into an overwhelmingly handsome and persuasive media employee out at a bar. Not recognizing my fragile state of mind, I'd landed a late night snog fest from this kind gent but realizing I was quite needy, didn't pursue much as I really needed to be pursued at this point in time. I ran into him a week later at a concert. The evening ended with him saying that "we should probably have drinks." I hoped so but when that didn't really materialize, I realized that I was just a little blue - not from him completely - but in general. Compounded blueness that was seeping to my core.

I tried to focus on the positives. I had never slept better in my life. I wasn't reciting excel spreadsheets in my mind anymore. I didn't worry about alarms waking me up and found that I actually rose earlier that usual due to lack of stress. I started trying to learn how to cook dishes of food I'd never tried before. My back was in line and the yoga/dodgeball/treadmill combi seemed to be a daily challenge that I was acheiving.

I continued to have coffee meetings with people who always said that they'd hire me but there were no jobs available. I showed up at schmoozy PR evenings. I dutifully plied them with wit and charm.

Day by day, more and more people I knew were getting laid off too. I tried to show support but each one took it differently. Some were very upset, some were stressed, some sold their cars, some took jobs that they were overqualified for, and some wondered when it was going to end. Some shopped while I wandered the streets with them.

Make no mistake, I'm very lucky. I have a warm home, a loving family and I've figured out how to make it through financially. It means cutting a lot of things that were doing me harm anyway. I didn't mind giving up alcohol and I now had an excuse to make an effort in bringing brimming coffee mugs with me whenever I took a walk around the neighbourhood. I love walking and this has been a pleasure to have time to wander aimlessly in this great city. And I say this even in mindblowingly frigid temperatures. I've discovered who are those who are checking in on me and giving me a pass to figure my shit out. I've discovered there are a lot of selfish ones out there too. It's made me realize for all the friends I know, there are few who know me very well.

I started writing the book I always wanted to write and I conquered technology like making my blog look pretty, locking up domain names I needed, e-mail newsletter technology, and the wonderful world of twitter.

There are days though that I find it hard to go out and keep up the positive attitude. I had been wanting a change of job anyway, but it's the fear of not landing that is sometimes unsettling. Two of my closest friends both remarked this week that they didn't know how I was being so positive. In truth, I needed acheivables to make it through. I needed to make quiche and for it to be good. I needed to write my exercise successes on the calendar. I needed people to call and invite me out rather than passively inviting me through some form of social networking. My mind was so on the distrust setting that I needed people to step it up a little and intervene in my quiet book-reading, record-playing environment and get me the fuck out of the house.

So, I'm nearing the end of this note, and I've realized that I need to make this functional for it to be worth baring this much of my inner me in such a public forum. Here's the deal - if you have a friend who is in this uncomfortable state, please make an effort. Try to take a European approach please - feed them, hug them, kiss them and don't give them pity eyes. Be functional. Suggest ideas, introduce them to people they might find a way with - in work or in love. Be a brainstorm for them. Most are trying really hard to stay afloat. And it's really really hard.

And as a postscript to cyberworld, thanks for the meal and boardgames the other day M&H. That was one of the nicest things that has happened in a while.