the truth shall set you....

It's been a strange month... I just celebrated an anniversary of sorts and I decided that this writing thing was how I was going to handle it. It's not something I'm really good at talking about. It's like the unwritten rule, don't tell people you're less than happy and maybe it'll go away. Maybe if you smile a lot, maybe it will ingratiate itself and you'll find yourself happy after you stretched your lips into a smile. Perhaps your soul will follow suit?

It's hard. Everywhere I go I see a reminder that the economy is bad. The government has taken out ads that say something along the lines of "you may not believe it, but somewhere out there is a job for you." Every day there's a new headline about out of work people who are in dire straights.

Yet, that's not exactly me. So, in the end, it's hard to say how I should be feeling.

In the interest of full disclosure to the world that can access this blog (and I'm aware this is everyone on the planet who has a computer) let's give a disclaimer and say I'm going to post some things here that people don't really like to talk about. Its sort of like breaking the rule of a sad/upset/whiny facebook status update. Most people don't bother doing it... it doesn't really do much for you... or perhaps it does?

So here are the facts. I lost my job at the end of November. The company was in the music industry and eventually went under... yes, bankruptcy. The timing was terrible and regardless of whether I saw it coming or not, there was no way to prepare yourself for this situation right before Christmas. Effectively what happened was that I didn't get paid past the day that I was told I was no longer on payroll. Yes, I know, this is illegal, and the company does still owe money, but the matter is in the courts and well, I can't count on my missing three weeks pay anytime soon - a sad fact that does not pay bills.

Following this, I discovered I had a lot of unwarranted anger at certain former colleagues. I also was hurt. And felt a little used. And I was sick of seeing people with their pity eyes asking how I was doing. I mean, sure, I was happy they were asking, but I didn't know what to answer to them. It was a surface answer, and the reality was that I felt I deserved a decent position in the entertainment industry and why should I be the one who had to freaking fight for it? WHY?

So yes, there was the anger.

Then there was the discovery that I was exhausted by all of it. All the inquiries about me took away from me actually being able to line myself up for a new gig. And then there was the stress of Christmas and birthday pressies for the fam in December. And then my best friend announced she was getting married in a couple months and would I fly out to the wedding? And EI delayed payment due to money I'd made on a contract (a mere $1000) for FIVE WEEKS.

I read a Leah Mclaren Globe article about unemployed bankers who were reaping the rewards of unemployment: they'd discovered they had personalities and goals beyond long work days and were getting a LOT of SEX.

And me? Nope. No sex for me. Although part of me was aware that I was now available for passionate impromptu afternoon sex, I had no callers of concern.

Here I was, in the great Canadian winter, a hermit in her house, with only job alerts to keep her company.

I worked on my flexibility - trying to conquer my yoga skills by forcing my body and brain to walk to the nearby local yoga studio and stretch my fast-diminishing drive.

The day I'd lost my job, I'd run into an overwhelmingly handsome and persuasive media employee out at a bar. Not recognizing my fragile state of mind, I'd landed a late night snog fest from this kind gent but realizing I was quite needy, didn't pursue much as I really needed to be pursued at this point in time. I ran into him a week later at a concert. The evening ended with him saying that "we should probably have drinks." I hoped so but when that didn't really materialize, I realized that I was just a little blue - not from him completely - but in general. Compounded blueness that was seeping to my core.

I tried to focus on the positives. I had never slept better in my life. I wasn't reciting excel spreadsheets in my mind anymore. I didn't worry about alarms waking me up and found that I actually rose earlier that usual due to lack of stress. I started trying to learn how to cook dishes of food I'd never tried before. My back was in line and the yoga/dodgeball/treadmill combi seemed to be a daily challenge that I was acheiving.

I continued to have coffee meetings with people who always said that they'd hire me but there were no jobs available. I showed up at schmoozy PR evenings. I dutifully plied them with wit and charm.

Day by day, more and more people I knew were getting laid off too. I tried to show support but each one took it differently. Some were very upset, some were stressed, some sold their cars, some took jobs that they were overqualified for, and some wondered when it was going to end. Some shopped while I wandered the streets with them.

Make no mistake, I'm very lucky. I have a warm home, a loving family and I've figured out how to make it through financially. It means cutting a lot of things that were doing me harm anyway. I didn't mind giving up alcohol and I now had an excuse to make an effort in bringing brimming coffee mugs with me whenever I took a walk around the neighbourhood. I love walking and this has been a pleasure to have time to wander aimlessly in this great city. And I say this even in mindblowingly frigid temperatures. I've discovered who are those who are checking in on me and giving me a pass to figure my shit out. I've discovered there are a lot of selfish ones out there too. It's made me realize for all the friends I know, there are few who know me very well.

I started writing the book I always wanted to write and I conquered technology like making my blog look pretty, locking up domain names I needed, e-mail newsletter technology, and the wonderful world of twitter.

There are days though that I find it hard to go out and keep up the positive attitude. I had been wanting a change of job anyway, but it's the fear of not landing that is sometimes unsettling. Two of my closest friends both remarked this week that they didn't know how I was being so positive. In truth, I needed acheivables to make it through. I needed to make quiche and for it to be good. I needed to write my exercise successes on the calendar. I needed people to call and invite me out rather than passively inviting me through some form of social networking. My mind was so on the distrust setting that I needed people to step it up a little and intervene in my quiet book-reading, record-playing environment and get me the fuck out of the house.

So, I'm nearing the end of this note, and I've realized that I need to make this functional for it to be worth baring this much of my inner me in such a public forum. Here's the deal - if you have a friend who is in this uncomfortable state, please make an effort. Try to take a European approach please - feed them, hug them, kiss them and don't give them pity eyes. Be functional. Suggest ideas, introduce them to people they might find a way with - in work or in love. Be a brainstorm for them. Most are trying really hard to stay afloat. And it's really really hard.

And as a postscript to cyberworld, thanks for the meal and boardgames the other day M&H. That was one of the nicest things that has happened in a while.

panama is the new costa rica

Like most eastern Canadians who don't like cold temperatures, I agree that these -20 temperatures ain't so appealing week after week. So, it wasn't a surprise to me that the subject of a week away in the sun has come up in a number of conversations recently. It looks very likely that I'll be getting on a plane for a week in February to cure the blahs. And it also looks likely that I'll see five other friends from Ottawa/Montreal and Toronto who will be making the trek as well. And it hasn't been too much of an effort to bring this together.

It all started when a friend of mine commented that he really sucked at taking vacations. Not really understanding this concept, I politely inquired what the hell he meant. He said that of the 17 vacation days he had to take last year, he'd only used 2. And it's not like his paycheck doesn't allow for vacations - he makes more than enough to live.

The discussion progressed to the point where I began to understand that he does not have the travel itch. I've always been of the mind that if we're going to be alive and living on the planet, then what is the point of staying in one place the whole time you are here? Why live without seeing this amazing and crazy world?

I immediately got on the computer and started reviewing all of the places on my list. I've always got a running list. This ever-growing 'still to do' list includes living a couple of months in Recife, Brazil, Zip-lining in Costa Rica, motorcycling through the south of Chile, seeing geysers in New Zealand, bathing in the mud bath volcano in Colombia - I could go on and on with ideas. Anyway, after some research I crossed off Costa Rica as a quick study option. There was a large earthquake there recently and it has affected some places in the country. I looked around and wanted to find a country that was similar - as hot - as costa rica, but was a little less touristy and didn't come to mind immediately. And it was then that I found Panama.

When I think of Panama I think of two main things; the canal and the hat. It doesn't engender much else. Maybe sunshine. So, we've got a country I know very little about here - I know there's sunshine, a canal and people wear panama hats. Quick Lonely Planet thorntree investigation found me the info that I needed. It has gorgeous beaches and surf. There are rainforests and some of the best coffee plantations in the world. There are mountains and volcanos and eco-friendly hut-like relaxation destinations. It's considered a bit of a gem in the travellers little black book. Getting there isn't like getting to Cuba - you have to work at flying there - usually via Atlanta from Toronto or something - so that inspired a little hope that the kind of people you might meet there might have put some effort into wanting to be there. It's like joining a team when you're not in school - you made an effort, therefore you might actually want to give it your all.

I'm going to leave the post here at this point as I'm sunday-brained and must get away from this computer but I'll keep you posted on my panama research. Best laughable nugget of info so far? Panama is "just a little bit smaller than south carolina." Now that just sells me on it right there? yeah. heh.

“Last chance to order for Valentines Day is this Wednesday, Order Now”

Just a quick post that was generated by something I read on twitter from @canadianmags. They'd posted the commentary about this study that was written about the subject lines on e-mail.

E-mail. That wondrous invention that was supposed to change the world. Well, it did change the world, but many of us use phrases like "drowning in e-mail" to describe the state of our overwhelmed inboxes. Still others just read and don't reply.

Anyway, read the PDF study if you're interested to see that if you take the time to write a functional subject line, it will increase the chances of breaking through. I've always practiced this, but so many of us are so frazzled that the little piece of energy required to go the distance and make the effort to think about this seemingly boring intro to our e-mails just doesn't exist and we let it go.

And now, on to friday night. I'm going to cross the east/west divide this evening!

A track to send you on your way:

music friday: the smiths, panic

It's friday. People deserve music on fridays. So here's a little tune going out to you. Enjoy.

how much of a nerd are you?

Ok, so while on twitter today....

Yeah, I know. I'm a nerd. Sort-of. Any blog that might start with "while on twitter today" automatically brings in you into that club. But for me, I'm just hyper-interested in how people communicate, so, most of the time, I just join because it sort of quells my inner monster. I have to figure out this new thing, so I join and in doing so, up my nerd quota.

I have been using twitter specifically to see how it works. I joined during the Canadian elections to check in a see how the liberal parties and NDP were using it. I didn't even search for the conservatives. Why would I need more blather in my life? Anyway, it was interesting to get updates from the parties, and I was more engaged than I ever have been, so I guess it worked for me. I ran a polling station too, so I earned more points for joe-citizen involvement. But the quest to conquer twitter began because of the man in the post before this one - Mr. Obama. He used twitter to announce his running mate. As a communicator, this was a pretty ballsy decision. He recognized the value of twitter and gave an exclusive story/piece of information to a whole young technology-aware group of people who had already spoken up and said - yeah, us, our generation? yeah, we like our info in bite size pieces. We like it quick and easy. We like it delivered in this way - and we don't have time to watch the news at 6 o'clock - no, we, us, our generation, we want you to speak to us directly.

The thing is, people have a fixed view of what they think this technology is. When I bring it up in conversation, people glaze over and think it's just another time waster. What I've learned is exactly the opposite. Twitter is a social engagement tool that is very functional. You can tune in or out. You can choose what info you want. You never get too much and if you want more info, there is usually a link, or a person to follow, that will flesh out the story or the idea. The example I've used in what type of info people generally post online is this - rather than send a message that says "I love my shampoo" people are getting on twitter and saying "I love my shampoo because XXX" and the XXX is a link to more information. People make it functional because it's more interesting. I currently follow @themediaisdying since I tend to work with a lot of media and they update and let everyone know what they've heard about layoff or role changes in the media in North America. Quickly. Functionally. It's digestable and informative.

I've been particularly enamored that the people who are giving it the most credibility are in the political arena. Basically, by getting Obama and any other political party hooked up on twitter, they are saying, yes, we accept this is a form of valid social engagement. It's legitimate. And if you don't pay attention you'll get left behind.

So now that you're interested, I dare you to sign up and look up the folks @twestival. You'll see that they're using this platform to engage people from all around the world to raise funds for charities. They're bringing what is a simple free technology platform into the real everyday world and they're making people stand up and make a difference. I don't just think it's interesting - I think it's the new way that people should approach things. So, look up @twestival and ask them to RT (retweet) the info. You'll be impressed.

In other news, if you want to waste your time or laugh a little check out these guys. Another exercise in micro-blogging... You'll come out understanding what FML means and you'll have something to talk about at your next social gathering. Enjoy!

pride in change

Where were you when? This is the question that gets asked when you hit those crossroads of history that motivate the world to tune in. I was in residence at University huddled around the common lounge television when news of Diana's death came in. I was in drama class in highschool on my birthday when OJ Simpson's verdict came in. I was in Mumbai answering the phone at the house of my friend who was the acting Canadian Consul General when the news of the 2004 tsunami in South East Asia came to us from the emergency contact of the Canadian government.

But this world event was different. This was one of earned respect. After 44 terms, the United states of America swore in Barack Hussein Obama, the first man of colour to be sworn into office. After years of oppression, and fighting for justice, this change is not slight. The man is incredible. But however huge the fact that USA has become a shade more inclusive, it also must be pointed out that Obama cannot be defined by his skin colour alone. His talent to move people, to speak words of wisdom and to engage people is unlike anything I've witnessed before. His speech today was no different. And there were thousands who were watching. Some got in their cars and drove down to be in the middle of the crowd. I decided to go it alone, and was in my living room in downtown Toronto, with the TV tuned into CBC News and my computer logged into CNN live's browser and my facebook page lined up as well. Facebook and CNN had teamed up to create an application where you as a viewer could watch and comment via your status updates in real time. You could tune into your friends' comments only or the everyone feed. Either one was amazing to watch. People were commenting on passages in the speech to Aretha Franklin's oversized grey hat to the uplifting music being played to the poor poet whose words followed the inspiring speech from the new president.

When Starbucks ran an online ad following the ceremony announcing free coffee, it was like the facebook community on cnn.live were throwing eggs at their monitors.

As a Canadian, I was also tuned into the online video feed of CBC.ca as well as the TV in my living room but there were no applications that encourages discourse for this monumental occasion, so I quickly tuned onto my other tab that yielded the cnn/facebook feed. I even logged into twitter to see if what people around the world were saying there.

I can't wait to tune in later on today for the coverage of the balls. And beyond that, I can't wait to see if Mr. Obama takes the time to use his immense power to get people to pay attention to force change in war-torn and starving countries. Change is often hard to force, but I have every faith that his intentions are good. We need a neighbour to the south who is progressive!

circle research - who?

Sunday morning is always a good time to listen to new music. Since the record distributor i used to work for has been having financial woes, I've had a hard time looking at the remnant items left over in my home/office from the three years of slog i devoted to that position. But today, I decided to reclaim my post as a bona-fide music fan - especially after a friend who until June was a cool indie record label owner, called me last night and had a chat. The subject of our conversation was mainly about jobs, and the lifting of the weight off our shoulders. This 'weight' was mainly the need to be in the crowd, the special ones who think that the music industry is the only thing you need to care about. Now I've always been a bit of a renegade in this respect - I am as passionate about travel, film, abstract art and photography as I am about learning about music. In general, culture fuels my fire so finding out that we were friends beyond music was refreshing. We both enjoy the outdoors, we discussed the merits of applying to the new posting at the Ontario Lottery and Gaming (morally we both couldn't do it) and we are both positive about the horizon - working some consulting contracts to keep our lives and minds going.

So, in light of this tummy-warming convo from last night, I woke up this morning, ate some grapefruit, and downed a steaming mug of coffee while listening to Circle Research's Who? disc that was supposed to be released in Canada by the distribution company I used to work for. Circle Research are two Toronto based DJ producers and this disc is 36 tracks and 38 minutes long. There's some humour to the top half of the record, since it's very post modern in it's approach: some tracks kick off with a bran-van style telephone conversation about 'fundraising' for Circle Research, there's a whole lot of mentions about the thematic title who? and obvious knowledge of the decline or mega-shifts in today's music industry. Once you're over that and have decided whether this takes away from the disc or not however, the music is perfect for an easy sunday morning. They are following the classic throwback trail, picking up some of the best in soul and hip hop and mixing it up.

Now here's the best part about this record, it's all good. There's soul, disco, beats and an obvious love of life. All of these songs are songs that if you lived through the 90's and had any interest in music, you're going to think that you know them. The production is crisp, fresh, and there's a lot of bounce, step in the easy going approach to the record. It's definitely a gem, and I'm gonna start spreading the word.

Oh, and you'll like them even more once you watch this video. They play in Toronto a lot, so if you are around town, go and find 'em.

befuddled

Have you ever met someone who throws you off? I mean, I'm a normally together type of person when I go out in public. I tend to communicate fairly well and I also know how to recognize when I'm a little off and when this happens I simply hermit a little and wait for it to pass. But every once in a while I meet someone that throws me off. Completely out of the blue I am reduced to some kind of babbler - the kind of person that I often question.

I ran into one of these the other evening out of the blue. I'm not sure what threw me off, but I kept coming out with these inane questions to keep the conversation going. I was concerned with things I shouldn't have been concerned about - for instance, I became acutely aware that I was wearing red lipstick - how does this matter in any circumstance you may ask? Well, my fuzzed up logic (and no I had not had any alcohol) was telling me that now that I had run into this person I could not approach in any way the region of the face or lips. I may damage this person. I may leave a smudge. It may lead to some embarassing situation. I may somehow let him know that I may like him. In some form, because of the lipstick faux pas, I may actually admit my reality to him.

Now of course, this is totally unreasonable. Do people actually think like this? Well, if I think like this, if I - a usually sane person - is actually processing thought in this way, there must be others like me, right?

When I say I was thrown off by someone, do I instantly completely over-analyse movement, thought and breath? The answer is yes. For now it seems to be in my black hole of "the incurable" the thing I can't control and that in turn has caused me to think about it for two days. I can't shake this. I'd like a re-do please. On short order.

the extinction of buttons

Firstly, I have to come right out and recommend that if you have access, please go and watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I know it's a Brad Pitt movie, and all the Hollywood entertainment shows are talking about it and they're putting Jennifer Aniston's movie Marley and Me up against her former husband's box office tallies but don't believe the hype.... just go see the movie. As an actor, and not a glorified entertainment news item, he should be proud to be a part of this engaging story... and it's so well shot too. It left my heart wrenched and my friend noted that the three hours of my life it took away was definitely well worth the time.

So, in a tangental story that I've been thinking about a lot lately that really has not much to do with the movie I just recommended you see above, I've been thinking about the death of industry. I've been employed in the music industry for the last three years, and before that in the cultural arts industry, and recently the company who paid my wages filed for bankruptcy protection. A rather unsettling thing to have happen, but hey, apparently we are in a global recession so them's the breaks. Today, I read a column in the Toronto Star that addressed the idea that there may not be a music industry as we know it today in six months. It was a rather inconclusive mail-it-in type of piece and ready didn't say much except that the industry is basically in hell and that music will continue to exist in some form. Now if you'll allow me I'll now insert the part about the buttons into this thought process. So, everybody knows that the music industry isn't doing so well and that the auto sector is getting bailed out. But what about the buttons? I went to my parents house on the west coast this December and I'd brought a black cardigan with me as a sort of fix-it project. Owing to the fact that I didn't have a regular paycheck, I thought it would be better to replace the button at home while I had some time rather than replace the whole item of clothing.

I asked my mum if she knew where I could buy some buttons. She looked at me and said "you know, it's really hard to buy buttons these days, I think that perhaps it's costing more to produce buttons than it does to sell them." It occured to me that it had been a long time since I needed to buy a button. I replied " I guess the return on investment isn't that great, but can't I get some at walmart or something?" She just said that honestly, she thought the industry was dying. And I thought, well here's another example of some everyday thing that people totally take for granted that isn't ever going to make headline news. It's going to get lost in the shuffle. What's next, zippers? There can't be much money in that related industry either?

Food for thought that's all. Go out and support your local button maker.